CHEMO-MO

Chemo starts tomorrow and I am not, I repeat, not looking forward to it. That means today, Thursday, is my last normal day for a long time. I really pray that I don't have horrific side effects. Maybe I won't. I hope my worry is for nothing. Not that worrying ever solved anything anyway. Maybe I will just stop that right now.

Yes, in all things, I am supposed to pray. And pray with faith, too, that God can do big things, huge things, the least of which might be to cure my disease and let me not have horrific side effects.

So, my appointment is at 10 am. I have practically no idea what to expect. I know it will take about 2 hours from when I get there to when I leave. I know the needle is a specially shaped right angle needle that is made specifically for my portacath. I know I will sit there hooked up while 4 meds are administered. I know the meds dump directly into my heart and then get pumped throughout my body. After that, well, I am not sure.

Will I immediately vomit in the car? Will I be able to walk up to my bedroom or will I have to sleep on the couch downstairs...with the kittens...and their oodles of fur? Like I said, not looking forward to this.

I need to pray hard tonight, talk to God and ask him some things. Ask him to make me ok with this whole nonsense. I think the surreality of this is fading and by tomorrow at 10 it will all be very much reality. Not that it's not "just cancer." It is still just that. A little overgrowth of cells in my shoulder and chest. And God can fix it. I just don't like how it has to get fixed. Just really not enthused right now. Wishing this was all just not happening.


PRAYER PRIORITIES
1) Pray that my attitude improves - that God replaces my attitude with one of thanksgiving and gratitude for all He's provided for me thus far. That I wouldn't forget all the positives that have and will come from this. That I wouldn't feel sorry for myself or feel lonely. That I would know that He's here for me and he's put all of you near me for a good reason. That I would remember that this is about HIM and not me. So self focused lately and it's not good.
2) Pray that my hot water heater gets fixed tomorrow. The elements are broken on it, my expert assesment anyway. The service guy should be by a few hours after I get home from chemo. My mom will be with me so she can handle him. Thanks, mom!
3) Pray for my mom, too. Now that I mention it, this can't be easy for her either. Pray that she gets good rest and can help me this weekend and that we wouldn't let the circumstances irritate us to the point of complaining or fighting.
4) Pray that I am well enough to come to church on Sunday, too. I don't think I exactly asked for time off teaching the kids at the 6pm service. Oops! :)

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers. I really appreciate them :)

Trina